07 Jan 2017, 21:15

Blogging is scary

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You may have noticed that there’s not too much content here recently. At best, I have one article that’s in draft state and nothing else. Maybe some ideas for articles, but that’s about it right now. According to the last item here, the last piece published was 7-8 months ago. So, 2 articles per year is not exactly a great number.

The truth is that I’m afraid.

Blogging - like other forms of writing and expression - is very personal. You’re putting something out there with the hopes that others will a.) see it, and b.) like it. So, not only do you have a chance to fail, but you have a chance to fail twice. People can not even take the time to see it, or they can see it and find all of the flaws in it and let you know. And in the wonderful world of comments, they can let you know in the most delightful ways.

Side note: I have no plans to allow comments. Despite my idealism, I’m very disheartened by the current state of Internet commentary. I’m not sure how to deal with the fact that it gives a megaphone to the lowest of the low that doesn’t even people others should exist. I’m not going to be a part of that here.

I’m not too worried about the first failure. I’d like to make some joke about “Schrodinger’s anonymous: it’s both read an unread until you actually write it so people can choose to read it or not” but can’t say if that’s really accurate. What is accurate is that if I don’t write it, then I’ll fail to be read by default.

It’s the latter that is more a problem for me. I don’t like to be wrong. I don’t like to write something and have it there forever that I was wrong. It’s like that hastily written 3AM tweet that someone caught a screen cap of, or that’s already on the Internet Archive (which is a very good thing to have in this world) and you can’t simply dismiss it as if it never existed.

I have ego. It is fragile.

This has an easy fix - just make sure that everything I every do is perfect. See, easy.

No, it’s not a single thing that will fix this. Sometimes, it is taking the time and being maticulous with what I have expressed. Sometimes, it is going ahead thinking it’s right and not seeing what’s wrong. Sometimes, it is looking back and being willing to admit it was wrong. Sometimes, it is as simple as putting it out there and saying:

Here. I did this thing. It's got these good parts, and it's got these bad
parts. Does anyone else see anything that's good or bad with it?

But, as with other areas that I’m just really good at procrastinating, it’s about saying “let me start here, and then just keep starting.” I accept that I will fail at times, and that I will not want to. And that’s okay. I just can’t do that all of the time.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except
a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say he is brave; it is
merely a loose misapplication of the word.
     - Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"s